The Big Five-One by Jackie Hamilton

birthday cupcakesThe Big Five-One (No Longer Counting)

 This year, I’m turning fifty-one and for some strange reason, I’m freaking out about it.  Last year when I turned fifty, I should have freaked out, but didn’t because I was busy freaking out about other stuff and didn’t have the energy or the time.  So, back to fifty-one.

 When I was twenty-one, fifty-one was literally decades away.  And now that I’m fifty-one, twenty-one is decades in the past.  My hair is going gray, my boobs are no longer where they are supposed to be, and I have strange aches and pains in places on body I didn’t know I had.  But the most horrifying thing is that I started to notice the changes in my face.  When I scrunch my face the Marianas Trench appears across my forehead.  I have these funky lines around my mouth that look like grooves and dark patches on my skin.

So I decided to be pro-active, about this situation. I am going into battle. I want them gone which makes me think I just need to wash and iron my face, which could really hurt.  A few days before I decided I’m dancing to close to hagdom, I bought my usual Clinique and got a gift with purchase. The gift was a tiny bottle of Repair Wear Laser Focus and Moisture Surge Cream.  There used to be a day when I would pass these anti-aging treatments along because I didn’t need them.  This time, I decided to try them and a few days later, I’m touching my skin and it feels so moist, so smooth and plush. And I’m like, so in.  So in, I couldn’t wait to get back to the Clinique counter so I could spend my hard-earned cash and make myself look twenty again.  That was four weeks ago and I can’t stop touching my face because it feels so good.  I don’t know if my skin looks better, but damn, it certainly feels better. Miriam says, if only I could find Repair Wear Laser Focus for boobs and I said that would be firming cream.  In for penny… I checked the Internet for firming cream for boobs.

 I found a breast enhancement cream, but I don’t need to make my boobs bigger.  And then I found it.  Firming cream for boobs.  Good Lord, it’s $380.00. That’s a car payment with insurance.  If it were a one shot deal, I’d order some, but a girl’s gotta eat.  Put gas in her car, buy dog treats, and books.  I can’t forget the books.  Maybe next year when I get my tax refund.

As a sidebar to this whole issue, I live in Southern California where we are having a severe water shortage.  Our governor has asked that we keep our showers down to five minutes.  I ask you, my sisters, what woman can take a five minute shower?  That is the holy place where a lot of the magic happens.  Five minutes, to wash, shave, exfoliate, deep condition, buff, and pumice?  That stuff don’t happen in five minutes.  I felt like a hero when I got it down to seven minutes.  But enough about politics.

 I bought the Even Better Skin Tone and Correcting Lotion for my spots.  I always wanted a Dalmatian and God answered my prayers by making me one.  I’m taking care of that.  My purchase didn’t just stop at the wrinkles and the spots elimination.  I bought new clothes and was pleasantly surprised to find my jean size went down one size.  I even worked my old butt into a pair of skinny jeans.  I was shopping with a friend and picked up these jeans and she said “Kurt Cobain much.  You just need a flannel shirt.  That is so 90s.”   I liked the 90s.  I liked grunge.  Grunge was comfortable.

 My friend told me to try them on.  And I said, “I don’t people saying, oh, look at Jackie trying to relive her youth.”  Okay, well, my thirties.  I did rock the 90s, back in the day.  I put the jeans back.  I don’t want to be thirty again.  I just want to look like I’m thirty.  Well really forty. So I bought new jeans, new shirts, new bras (droopy boobs no longer an issue).  To celebrate my smaller jean size I also picked up a box of white chocolate ice cream bars, ‘cause that’s how I roll.

 I showed all my things to Miriam and I’m telling her how I’m feeling.  And what does she says, “what about working on the inside.”  My response was, “My insides are fine.  Really, they are.  Aren’t they?”  Miriam just rolled her eyes in that dramatic way that only she can manage.  I agreed to eat some broccoli and stop her from ‘old’ shaming me.

 Basically, I’ll work on my insides after I spent the money on Eye Concealer, that promises to eliminate, bags, the puffies, and dark circles.  That’s the last thing I need for my collection and then I’ll be perfect.   Perfectly fifty-one.

Much Love, Jackie

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One Response to The Big Five-One by Jackie Hamilton

  1. Eydie says:

    You’re a hoot, Jackie!

    I had a panic attack on my 30th birthday. Stayed in bed all day long – and that was hard to do with 2 small kids at home. When I hit 50, I had another panic attack at the store where I was a manager. One of the sales clerks slapped me across the face – I felt much better. Then when I hit 60 – I threw myself a party. No panic attack. I found a new strategy that helped me get over the increasing numbers attached to my age. At my half-birthday, I start telling people what I WILL be. My brain has 6 months to acclimate itself to the new age. It’s been working for 10 years. So, in August, I’ll turn 63 – and pretty dame proud of it… especially since I don’t look that age.

    Happy Birthday, Jackie!

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